Finding your Why - seriously, where the heck is it? Ep. 5

[00:00:11] Welcome to CoastFI Couple, a podcast where love meets financial independence. I'm Matt.

[00:00:16] And I'm Jana. Join us every other week as we dive into the world of CoastFI and share smart money tips for couples.

[00:00:21] We're going to be talking all about how to strengthen your bond and your relationship and bringing closer to financial independence.

[00:00:26] One episode at a time.

[00:00:29] Welcome back to CoastFI Couple.

[00:00:32] Yeah, glad to have you with us.

[00:00:33] In this episode, we're going to be talking about finding your why and how we found our why.

[00:00:39] Yeah, so not to steal from Simon Sinek, who wrote the book, Finding Your Why, but it's also a really great way to begin with the end in mind.

[00:00:48] Right? So why are we doing CoastFI? Why are we doing this instead of doing the standard work until you're ready to drop? Right?

[00:00:58] So do you want to start?

[00:01:00] Sure. Yeah, I do think that finding the reason why you are building your financial journey, plan,

[00:01:08] identifying your goals is really important.

[00:01:12] You know, for a long time in the beginning, I didn't really have a why.

[00:01:18] I think your why was my why and your why was we have to have enough when we need to retire.

[00:01:26] And that goal felt so far away that it was hard to feel connected to the reason why I wanted financial independence or financial peace.

[00:01:37] Right?

[00:01:37] I like that approach.

[00:01:38] I was just thinking as you're talking about why I got into this.

[00:01:43] And I'm thinking about there's fear involved, right?

[00:01:47] Like when I was working, you know, at the odd jobs, you know, that I've had over the course of my career,

[00:01:54] I've never found one that I've really loved, you know?

[00:01:57] And it's that life force that you're giving every day.

[00:02:02] And for me, it got to the point where I had tried so many different types of careers

[00:02:07] that it just became kind of obvious that, okay, no matter what I'm going to do,

[00:02:12] it's going to be draining, it's going to be hard, and it's going to be potentially a climb.

[00:02:18] And so once I realized that, I couldn't find anything I was really desperately passionate about.

[00:02:24] So it became about the money.

[00:02:26] Well, I think your why was, I want to save as much money so I can try or so I can leave my job.

[00:02:33] Right.

[00:02:33] Well, that and also to make sure that no matter what the future holds,

[00:02:39] I'm not stuck doing a job I hate or I don't enjoy.

[00:02:43] And so that's kind of the catalyst for me anyway.

[00:02:46] It was a little bit of fear, like, I really don't like this.

[00:02:50] I can't imagine doing this for 30 years plus.

[00:02:53] What's the fastest way out?

[00:02:56] And what's a way out that can let me try other things without

[00:03:00] the stress of having to have a big paycheck?

[00:03:04] So that was probably my why.

[00:03:07] Yes.

[00:03:07] It changed even more once I had children and once I met you,

[00:03:11] you know, so that definitely evolved.

[00:03:14] But I think fear was my why as terrible as that might sound.

[00:03:19] Yeah.

[00:03:19] Yeah.

[00:03:20] I definitely see that.

[00:03:21] I think that that has shifted, shifted that, that fear mindset.

[00:03:26] I think once we started building together and sharing our why's for what we wanted to do

[00:03:32] and not just our why for reaching full fire, but the why's along the way.

[00:03:40] And again, building those goalposts along the way.

[00:03:43] Why do I want to reach this, this particular goalpost?

[00:03:48] Why do I want to reach the next goalpost?

[00:03:51] And, and being able to sort of celebrate it.

[00:03:54] I think for me finding my why sometimes was as simple as, Hey, when we reach this goalpost,

[00:03:59] I'll know that we've also saved up enough money to go on that trip that we've been planning.

[00:04:03] Or, Hey, when it, when we reach this goalpost, I know that that gives us the life flexibility to,

[00:04:10] you know, work remotely or, or travel more together as a family or what have you.

[00:04:15] And just really applying the, the numbers, the beans in the pot to what that life is going to

[00:04:22] look like for you at the time.

[00:04:25] And having a why that was only applied to 65 plus, I felt really disconnected from that

[00:04:31] because I don't know who she's going to be at 65, who I'm going to be, you know, I, but I,

[00:04:38] I have a pretty good idea of who I'm going to be in three years or five years or 10 years.

[00:04:43] And so building those why's along the way really kind of helped me, uh, build a trajectory with you.

[00:04:49] That made sense.

[00:04:50] Right.

[00:04:50] So to visualize it kind of in shorter spurts than just the end, which is a great way to look at it.

[00:04:56] That's not what you were doing.

[00:04:59] So I was not doing that.

[00:05:01] Uh, and yeah, so great, great that we were able to find that together.

[00:05:04] Um, I, I will say there was another thing, another reason, uh, why we wanted to do this together

[00:05:10] was because we both luckily believed in healthy communication and we knew that,

[00:05:18] you know, money played a big role in that.

[00:05:20] Yes.

[00:05:20] It touches everything.

[00:05:21] You know, we, we joined our finances, you know, as we got married, we joined our finances

[00:05:27] and you know, we, we wanted to make sure that that never became a point of contention.

[00:05:32] Right.

[00:05:34] And I think that that leads right into today's fun five fact.

[00:05:38] You know, I want to say something about these fun five facts.

[00:05:41] Is this the second or third one you've done?

[00:05:42] I can't remember.

[00:05:43] No, I don't.

[00:05:43] I have, it's probably third or fourth.

[00:05:45] They're not very fun.

[00:05:47] You're right.

[00:05:48] They're not.

[00:05:48] The last one was about death and how we only get 10 years of traditional retirement.

[00:05:52] That's funny.

[00:05:52] I never really commented on the fact that they're not fun, but I think we, you know what?

[00:05:55] They are fun in their own way.

[00:05:57] So what is it?

[00:05:57] What's your fun fact?

[00:05:59] Maybe we'll have, I'm so excited.

[00:06:01] We'll have a sound effect where it's like fun five fact.

[00:06:04] It's a want, want fact.

[00:06:05] So it's a want, want fact.

[00:06:06] I like the fact that it's fun five, but yeah, we'll play with it.

[00:06:09] Okay.

[00:06:09] We'll workshop it.

[00:06:10] All right.

[00:06:11] So today's fun five fact.

[00:06:15] Financial problems contribute to around 40% of all divorces.

[00:06:23] So, so that means that for every 10 marriages that end in divorce, four of them are because of money.

[00:06:33] I knew that it was a big contributor, but I just didn't realize how much of a contributor that it was.

[00:06:41] And, you know, in a way it does make perfect sense because money makes the world go round.

[00:06:49] We need money to do the things that individually we might want to do, or that we want to do with the family.

[00:06:56] There's a lot of trust that comes with managing money.

[00:06:59] There's a lot of mistakes.

[00:07:01] Miscommunication.

[00:07:02] I think about the sort of, you know, really toxic combination that could occur when not only are you stressed about money and that's taking up a lot of your brain space and affecting the way that you are communicating with your partner.

[00:07:18] Right.

[00:07:20] But you're also stressed about other things in your life and your partner has a different idea about what you should be doing with money.

[00:07:30] Or maybe also isn't bringing healthy tools to the table with money.

[00:07:36] Yeah.

[00:07:37] That, that seems like it makes perfect sense that it's such a massive contributing factor.

[00:07:44] Yeah.

[00:07:44] 40%.

[00:07:44] The more that Jan and I simplify and automate our finances, the happier we became.

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[00:08:03] We're investors in this company.

[00:08:05] We have exclusively been using cube money to do our own personal budgets since 2020.

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[00:08:19] And it requires a category to be opened from your personal budget before you can spend with the card.

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[00:08:37] If you drop it, it always has a zero balance on it unless you open the budgeting app.

[00:08:42] It's been extremely handy for us and it saved us actually several instances of fraud and we're never going to go back.

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[00:08:57] And everyone else in the family can see the updated balance.

[00:09:00] It's essentially making it 100% foolproof to always stick to our budget.

[00:09:05] And that has actually been the case.

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[00:09:51] Enjoy.

[00:09:52] So, you know, I did know this statistic even before I married you, before I, you know, went down that path together.

[00:09:59] Yes.

[00:10:00] So it was top of mind even back then.

[00:10:04] You know, we hear a lot about divorce and I really wanted this to work.

[00:10:10] And so beginning with, you know, why we wanted to start and build a healthy foundation, strong communication around money.

[00:10:22] Right.

[00:10:23] And what we do with it, why we use it, because it's not, it's ultimately not at all about money.

[00:10:29] It's about the communication.

[00:10:31] It's about communication.

[00:10:32] And I will say something that I look back on and I think about our early years and our early marriage.

[00:10:37] I do think that we both were very purposeful in, in having those discussions for a reason, even when they were difficult and hard.

[00:10:49] Yeah.

[00:10:49] We wanted to talk about the things that were stressing us out and difficult and hard because we wanted to fix it.

[00:10:54] Fix it.

[00:10:55] And, and be on the same page.

[00:10:57] It's, it's a challenge that we get to get over together.

[00:11:01] It's not, I want to do this and you want to do that.

[00:11:04] We're going to fight about it.

[00:11:05] It's more so like, this is our, this, we are both in the boat, you know?

[00:11:10] Yeah.

[00:11:11] It is really easy to, to fall into a pattern of hiding things.

[00:11:19] Sneaky spending.

[00:11:20] Sneaky spending is a, is a very easy thing that I can.

[00:11:25] You know, understand couples would do.

[00:11:28] Um, even, even around gifts, you know?

[00:11:32] Uh, sometimes I have an urge to, you know, buy you something elaborate and it could be, you know, hundreds of dollars or a thousand dollars trip or whatever to go somewhere.

[00:11:43] But I would, knowing, you know, what we've built would be extremely guilty spending that kind of money without first approaching the idea with you.

[00:11:53] And I know that you would, you know, understand or forgive me or give me a pass on, on that spend.

[00:12:00] But that would put a seed of doubt, I think, in your mind.

[00:12:05] And same, you know, if you came home with a $5,000 new car or something without previously talking about it.

[00:12:12] Like I think it's a surprise and it would be like, Ooh, are we gonna have more of those surprises?

[00:12:16] It's like, well, how's that going to play out?

[00:12:19] Right.

[00:12:19] And, and so it's just about establishing that pattern of purposeful accountability, purposeful accountability.

[00:12:26] Yeah.

[00:12:26] I just came up with that.

[00:12:27] That's I love put that on a shirt.

[00:12:29] I like that.

[00:12:30] It's very good.

[00:12:31] It's uncomfortable in the beginning, but then it kind of, you get in the habit of it and it's, it's nice and it's peaceful to be able to say, this is what we're doing.

[00:12:40] And this, these were my choices and I feel really good and confident about these choices.

[00:12:44] Yeah.

[00:12:45] You know, there's some, there's a sense of peace in that.

[00:12:47] Yeah.

[00:12:47] And then having an accountability partner that you can also lean on and trust.

[00:12:52] Yeah.

[00:12:53] And play the game with.

[00:12:54] Yeah.

[00:12:54] Right.

[00:12:54] The little game.

[00:12:55] It is.

[00:12:56] It is a little game.

[00:12:58] So the, the other point, and I've, I'm,

[00:13:01] glancing at my notes here because I, I think that this is an important part of the journey and I want the listeners that, you know, we're speaking to, to come up with their own why.

[00:13:11] But, you know, for us, we, we have kids.

[00:13:14] Right.

[00:13:15] Right.

[00:13:15] And I wish that I'd known, I think every person will say this that has kids, but if I only knew what I knew now when I was younger, how different and possibly greater the life could be, you know,

[00:13:30] we've both taken jobs that we didn't like necessarily because we needed the money.

[00:13:36] And I don't necessarily want our kids to follow that same pattern.

[00:13:40] Yeah.

[00:13:41] I would love the, the gift of knowledge that we can pass on to them.

[00:13:48] They can do whatever they want as long as they have a solid financial foundation.

[00:13:53] Yeah.

[00:13:54] If, if we can say, Hey, even as early as, you know, their very first job babysitting or whatever, that they take a percentage of that and they save it for long-term and they've established that habit.

[00:14:09] And then we can teach them on the back end what to do with those savings.

[00:14:13] How to invest it.

[00:14:14] Yeah.

[00:14:14] You know, and today, right.

[00:14:16] The, the best way that we know of is low cost mutual funds or low cost index funds, um, that span, you know, the whole market.

[00:14:27] Uh, now that strategy may change when we're in our nineties, but it's the best strategy that we can pass on to our kids today.

[00:14:34] It's lower risk.

[00:14:36] It's low risk because as long as you believe in the markets, um, growing over time, which historically that's what, that's what happens.

[00:14:46] Um, it's the best, it's the best bet we have.

[00:14:49] Yeah.

[00:14:49] Right.

[00:14:50] And so let's teach our kids that you can do whatever you want to do.

[00:14:56] You can do whatever you want to do.

[00:14:58] Just save a percent of, of your income to savings, make it be a healthy percent in the beginning.

[00:15:06] Right.

[00:15:06] Like we talked about last episode is spread the pain.

[00:15:09] Right.

[00:15:10] Right.

[00:15:10] So if you have a 30% savings rate when you're 16, just imagine, imagine the wealth and the flexibility that our kids will have when they're our age.

[00:15:22] Yeah.

[00:15:23] You know, so that's another reason to do this.

[00:15:27] But also this podcast, we've talked about this all the time, right?

[00:15:31] Like we're, we're sharing knowledge, not only with others, but with our kids and we're learning along the way.

[00:15:37] And I love it.

[00:15:39] I want to teach people who are just kind of playing around with the idea about financial independence and maybe not sure if it's right for them.

[00:15:48] Just learn about it a little bit and see if it's something that could positively impact your life.

[00:15:55] Probably can.

[00:15:56] I wish that I had purposefully learned more sooner.

[00:16:01] Even just if I were more up to speed five years ago, our life would be in such a different place.

[00:16:09] You know, there's certain risks that we haven't taken or certain things that we haven't done or certain jobs that we've taken or not taken because we were just trying to get as many beans as we could and didn't want to take any risks.

[00:16:22] You know, I wish I had known more sooner.

[00:16:24] And I think it would have made such a huge impact in such a positive way.

[00:16:28] And not just for our own wealth building over time and being able to leave a financial legacy to our kids, but being able to impart some of that education onto our kids as well.

[00:16:41] Yeah.

[00:16:43] Luckily, our kids are still very young and we've got plenty of time to really guide them, which I'm so excited about.

[00:16:50] But I hope that this podcast finds that young couple that is just getting started or that couple that's been married for a few years and they're trying to figure out how to communicate effectively around finances and build goals together.

[00:17:07] That's for both of them.

[00:17:37] And the information out there for everyone in the U.S. to be exposed to this and to better their lives very easily by these basic steps.

[00:17:48] Yes.

[00:17:48] So, you know, they don't teach us in school yet.

[00:17:52] Right.

[00:17:52] We're advocating for that.

[00:17:53] We're trying to.

[00:17:54] Yes.

[00:17:55] To get this information out there because it really should be taught in schools.

[00:17:58] Yes.

[00:17:59] You know, we've talked in previous episodes about the stool concept and how, you know, our parents didn't have the same challenges that we have in this generation.

[00:18:09] Right.

[00:18:09] You know, pensions were a thing.

[00:18:11] We have to start sooner and we have to be more aggressive.

[00:18:14] It's on us.

[00:18:15] Yes.

[00:18:16] To learn and to pass it on because, you know, who else is going to do it?

[00:18:20] Our kids are going to be growing faster than you realize.

[00:18:23] And we just want to make sure that they're not left to their own devices without the information.

[00:18:27] Right.

[00:18:28] Yeah.

[00:18:28] And I also want this to be an opportunity to build community and learn from other people.

[00:18:35] That's another big why for me in coming into this community, you know, with two feet in it instead of one foot in, one foot out.

[00:18:44] I realized pretty soon that there's some really amazing people in this community.

[00:18:49] So helpful, so kind, so knowledgeable and so mature.

[00:18:54] I've been so impressed by some of the speakers at some of these events that we've gone to.

[00:19:01] You know, some of our friends have their own podcasts and they're funny and they're smart and I want to learn from them.

[00:19:09] And I feel confident going to them with a question or if I have an idea that I'm not sure is smart or well thought out.

[00:19:20] I feel confident in the community that we've built that these people are well educated in this and genuinely want to be helpful.

[00:19:29] And so that's another one of my whys, not just wanting to, you know, figure out the best way to reach financial independence as quickly as possible or go on this coast by path with you.

[00:19:42] It's not just an individual journey.

[00:19:45] I mean, it is everybody's financial independence journey is personal.

[00:19:48] It's called personal finance for a reason.

[00:19:50] Right.

[00:19:51] Someone else's journey isn't going to perfectly be applied to what you've got going on with your numbers in your life.

[00:19:58] But having a sense of community around it and wanting to learn more about it and wanting to connect with some of the people in the five community has been a driving factor for me because they're great people.

[00:20:12] So that's a good point.

[00:20:13] It can get very lonely on this path, right?

[00:20:16] Because you're not going out to eat.

[00:20:18] You're not joining everyone for the trips to.

[00:20:21] I mean, you are, but within reason and within your budget, right?

[00:20:25] With purpose, you can.

[00:20:27] Right.

[00:20:27] So if you know with enough advance notice, you know, you could potentially save for a trip of sorts.

[00:20:33] But certainly less spontaneity.

[00:20:35] Definitely less spontaneity.

[00:20:36] And it can also be a very difficult conversation to, you know, tell a partner, hey, I really want to spend three or $4,000 to join a group of friends on this trip when, you know, for months or years we've been pinching pennies and trying to, you know.

[00:20:54] Build an emergency fund.

[00:20:55] Build an emergency fund.

[00:20:55] Or get to a specific savings rate for the year or something.

[00:20:58] Exactly.

[00:20:58] Right.

[00:20:58] Exactly.

[00:20:59] So I do think that it would be hard to have that conversation.

[00:21:02] And we've had those conversations before, right, where we have to realize, hey, this is truly value add.

[00:21:10] And we're going to have to absorb that somehow if we want to do that.

[00:21:15] And luckily it's a shared communication.

[00:21:18] But I forgot where I was going with the point on this.

[00:21:20] It's okay.

[00:21:21] We'll come back around to it.

[00:21:21] We'll come back around to it.

[00:21:22] Yeah.

[00:21:24] So, yes, I agree with you.

[00:21:25] The community is important.

[00:21:27] Yes.

[00:21:27] It does help when you are feeling kind of burned out and lost.

[00:21:35] You know, I've got family that is also kind of on this path in a way.

[00:21:41] And they don't have the community locally or they haven't explored that yet.

[00:21:46] And it's harder.

[00:21:47] Yeah.

[00:21:48] It's harder doing it alone.

[00:21:49] Right.

[00:21:49] Because everyone's calling you crazy and you start calling yourself crazy.

[00:21:55] So it's helpful to have other people being like, hey, you're not crazy.

[00:21:58] I went through that last year.

[00:21:59] Or here's what happens when you get past that phase.

[00:22:02] Right.

[00:22:02] Right.

[00:22:02] So because it can be hard, but it is so rewarding and it's so worth it.

[00:22:08] And the community is there every step of the way.

[00:22:12] And I imagine that when you and I, you know, do fire, right?

[00:22:18] Because we're coasting now.

[00:22:19] But when we truly fire, we're going to want to spend time with these people.

[00:22:23] Yes.

[00:22:24] Traveling the world and, you know, spreading this message of peace that can come with control.

[00:22:32] Yeah.

[00:22:32] So.

[00:22:33] I want other people to do it so I can meet them and be friends with them.

[00:22:38] You know?

[00:22:39] Yeah.

[00:22:40] Absolutely.

[00:22:41] Absolutely.

[00:22:41] Absolutely.

[00:22:42] Great.

[00:22:43] Well, I think, I think that that is probably a good time to stop this episode.

[00:22:47] Okay.

[00:22:48] You know, it's, it's simple, hopefully digestible little bites of our experience.

[00:22:55] I think finding your why is a very personal question and sometimes it can be complicated

[00:22:58] when you are exploring that question with a partner.

[00:23:02] Yeah.

[00:23:02] True.

[00:23:03] Because your why might not be the same.

[00:23:04] It might not be the same.

[00:23:05] And also your why might change and don't be afraid of the pivot, you know, for a long time.

[00:23:09] And like you said, your why was sort of based in the sense of fear and sort of a scarcity

[00:23:14] mindset and just not wanting to have to work.

[00:23:16] And then it's, it's shifted and that's really exciting and empowering.

[00:23:21] So.

[00:23:22] Yeah.

[00:23:22] Great.

[00:23:23] Well, that wraps up the episode.

[00:23:25] Thank you guys for joining.

[00:23:26] We'll continue next episode.

[00:23:28] Yeah.

[00:23:28] We'll see you next time.

[00:23:29] Take care.